Don't Tell Me What To Do, Bro.

I read an article this week that brought up an interesting point concerning peer pressure. Even just saying peer pressure makes me think of bad things - drinking the drugs, smoking the weed, having the sex. Why have we relegated peer pressure to some negative force of nature that can never be beaten? We need to see peer pressure in a new light, and the Bible talks of this. In Proverbs 13:20, the Bible tells us that when we walk with the wise, we will become wise.

Friends can deter or spur. 

The article brought up the point I'm trying to make here - friends can also use peer pressure in a positive way. Just recently I've noticed this taking place in my own life. I've placed myself around people who are smarter, wiser, and more talented than I am - always seeking to better themselves. As a result I've derived new standards for myself, including the depth of my walk with God! The important thing to note here is that we only get from our friends what we see in them.

Wise people choose wise friends.

Here is where, as youth ministers, we need to teach our youth how to see through their friends to their true motives, characteristics, and desires. We need to teach them how to pick friends that will inspire and help them to succeed in life and their relationship with God. Perhaps the best way to teach our students this lesson is to be transparent with them about times we haven't done this well in the past.

If we're not honest, they won't open up.

It goes without saying, but our students are affected by their friends more now than ever. They're constantly seeking approval and wanting to fit in. Let's help them to find friends that define 'fitting in' as seeking after God and His heart in an unstable time.

God, help us.

Bibliography

The Wall Street Journal. Dow Jones & Company, n.d. Web. 16 Sept. 2014.

Forget Your Family: Focus, Focus, Focus

For real though, all my blogs are starting to sound the same.

But in reality, aren't all these problems starting to break down to a few main issues. I think the big one that I've hinted at but haven't said clearly is the breakdown of the family system. I read an article this week from the perspective of student and the mother of a student that was having so much stress placed on them that they didn't even have enough time to eat dinner with their family.

If the enemy can't get us to be bad, he'll get us to be busy.

If the enemy can't get us to fail, he'll get us to forsake our family [those that want to help us most].

I think when we take a step back, we realize how ridiculous this whole thing is. We invest hours, thousands of dollars, and all our resources into our children, and then never see them. Parenting is left up to coaches, teachers, and honestly, media. Then we wonder why our kids don't respect us, understand what we believe/why we believe, or don't have time for integrity.

Think about that: our kids don't have time for integrity.

When we plague our kids with academics that require perfection, we shouldn't be surprised when our kids become perfectionists. I think what we're surprised by, however, is how far perfectionism goes. Being personally able to relate to this, I can say that it can become an addiction, and like addictions, it continues to get worse and worse. The need for everything to be perfect, left untamed, will wreck lives. People have killed themselves over these types of issues.

How long will it be before we give our kids a break?

When it comes to academics specifically, it pulls in competition between people who are already gifted and driven to strive to be better. The types of people that can compete academically at this level are also typically tunnel vision people. That is, we see the goal and nothing else. This is what drives people to drop their morals at the door and do whatever it takes.

Honestly, as I think about it more, the older I got the less it became about impressing my parents. It may have started as me not wanting to disappoint them. However, without them forcing me to stop, I began to find my worth in that. And as I became independent, I cared less about what they thought and more about what I thought. What I thought was that my worth was found in my work. My parents didn't even feel this way - they just didn't understand the depth of my need for perfection.

This is a dangerous trap. Can any of you relate to this?

Bibliography

Neighmond, Patti. "School Stress Takes A Toll On Health, Teens And Parents Say." NPR. NPR, n.d. Web. 16 Sept. 2014.

Pressure, Pushing Down On Me

This week, I read a blog that speaks to the parents' side of the issue of 'parental pressure.' I thought it was an appropriate topic considering, as youth ministers, we also need to have some semblance of how to minister to parents as well. This website listed five ways that you can tell if you're a high-pressure parents to your kids. We would be wise to present these ideas to our parents, as well as some ways to fix them. Here are the five signs you may be a high-pressure parent, and some of my thoughts on how to avoid them:

1.) When you get upset at your child's failures.

     Even as a to-be-parent, I can start to understand the idea of living vicariously through a child. I  

     don't want them to make the mistakes I made, I want them to have life even better than I did, and I want them to experience success. The problem with this is that it fails to realize that each child you have is an individual person that was created by God and will one day be an adult themselves. We cannot dictate how their life will go, and we cannot keep them from every mistake. Even I have to read that last sentence again! Instead, we should recognize that all humans sin, all humans make mistakes, and no human will get it all right (unless you plan on parenting Jesus).

2.) When you find yourself constantly fighting with your spouse.

I believe the reason this is on the list is because there are often circumstances where a parent will, unbeknownst to them, care about their relationship with their child more than that of their spouse. This is a mistake and will cause division and problems (see Jacob, Jacob's mother, and Esau for example). What it really comes down to is believing and acting like your child will be worse off if, as parents, you aren't united (which we all know deep down to be true). Keeping this in mind will help us avoid putting our children first, which inevitably causes parental fights. 

3.) When you always give negative feedback.

Again, I think this comes down to the desire to want our kids to have it better, but it comes across to our kids as a subtle statement: you are not allowed to make mistakes. Instead, we ought to praise them when they get things right - and mostly I'm referring to their decisions when it comes to putting Jesus first. We not only give praise, but we need to be sure to give praise for the right things.

4.) When you always make all of the decisions for your child(ren).

I fear I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. Our children have the right to be their own people. We are merely guides - we offer them our experience and let them know how the world works and how God works (as best we understand), and we let them make their own decisions. Does this mean we never discipline - of course not! We discipline in the hopes that they will understand why what they've done is wrong. But ultimately, our parental authority will only last so long. We better be sure we leverage it wisely.

5.) When your child is over scheduled.

I've already written fairly extensively on this throughout my other blogs, but I'll just make a short note here. Busyness is not necessarily Godly if it is fruitless work. Our children will die one day, just as we will. And just like us, they will need to give an account of their actions and how they spent their time to our creator. Let's encourage them to use their time wisely with the end goal in mind!

For those reading, do you have any thoughts on these?

Bibliography

"5 Signs You're a High-Pressure Parent." Care.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Sept. 2014.

What Comes First?

This week, I was talking with my boss and my pastor, Steve DeFrain. The topic of sports and youth actually came up and the content of my 'interview' or discussion with him is what I'll talk about here. His premise is one that goes against the grain of culture: youth shouldn't be allowed to do sports when they conflict with church. That is, when they conflict with the services held on Sunday.

But wait, shouldn't we teach our kids to be well-rounded and aren't there great lessons they can learn from sports?

His response would be that our goal is not to raise well-rounded kids, but rather, kids that love Jesus, His Church, and lost people. Outside of that, everything else is trappings. Certainly we wouldn't sacrifice a Christmas tree because an ornament didn't look good on it! In the same way, we shouldn't sacrifice youth and children's involvement in church for something that is fleeting and will pass. 

We need to teach our kids by our actions that Church and Jesus come before everything else.

That means when a soccer game falls on a Sunday morning that would prevent our family from coming to church, we don't go. It's not that we have anything against sports or soccer, but we know what's most important. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the good for the great. It's a matter of priorities, bottom line. Does this mean that youth should never play sports? His answer is no, so long as our youth understand their place on the priority list. 

Sports can teach valuable lessons, but are we willing to say that they can teach more valuable lessons than God's Word?

It may seem legalistic, but it's not. It's finding a very practical way to put God's Kingdom first. We cannot afford to teach our kids to sacrifice Sundays at the altar of busyness, success, affluence, or 'well-rounded-ness.' 

Ultimately, it becomes a question of, "What comes first?"

Bibliography

DeFrain, Steve. "About Church." Personal interview. 14 Sept. 2014.

Between the Sheets.

This week, I read an article about sex. Now, my group will be presenting on sex this semester as well, so I don't want to give away all of the thoughts we have and what we plan to present, but I will express some. The article started with a truth that needs to be intrinsic to our teaching when it comes to youth and sex:

God doesn't hate sex.

It makes no sense at face value: God hates something He created? The Bible doesn't paint a picture of God resting and then coming back to find that Adam and Eve are doing anything but resting and God reprimands them. He doesn't ask them, "Hey, how'd you figure out how to do that - that's bad!" He created us for intimacy, and perhaps the most conducive activity for that type of intimacy between humans is sex.

We cannot only say that God doesn't hate sex, but we must show that He loves sex!

How does this look practically? Well, I think it means we preach on sex far more often. In fact, it means we are careful not to whisper the word sex when we preach! Unconsciously, even little things like that communicate that it is a dirty, avoided subject that can only be good once we're married. Unfortunately, while we've pressed abstinence, we've given no information for those who have just been married on how to do it right (please excuse the innuendo).

We cannot only say that God loves sex, but we must explain what it looks like to be in a healthy sexual relationship.

This is more of a one-on-one thing, I believe. But there's needs to be an openness about sex, before AND after marriage. Perhaps the most powerful teaching I ever received on sex is when my pastor was willing to admit that sometimes sex is great, and sometimes it's not great - that's normal. Sex need not look like the sex scenes in the movies - sometimes it will, but other times it won't. Because we're silent on what sex looks like after getting married, we're setting our youth and young adults up for frustration after getting married.

By making sex a topic that is discussed behind closed doors and with 'code words' we're giving power to the society, which is more than willing to talk about sex, albeit, in a totally unrealistic way. Let's take back the power of sex for our youth by being willing to talk, and being proactive about this teaching.

And to end my blog on a really confusing note, in the Bible, when Isaac enters the tent with Rebecca and had sex with her [what taking someone into your tent meant, I believe], that's when they were considered married. That's interesting - think about that one for a little.

Bibliography

"The Christian Broadcasting Network." The Biblical View of Sexuality: Spiritual Life in God. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Sept. 2014.

What Would Jesus Say to Jesse?

This week I read an article in which the author talks about Andy Stanley's comments on homosexuality. He basically, in my opinion, wants to have the grace of God without the truth of God. So I figured it would be apropos to discuss my thoughts here. I think Jesus' example of the woman caught in adultery is a good place to start. Please take a moment to read John 8:1-11 if you have a moment and can open another tab to read it.

Let anyone without sin be the first to throw a stone. Boy, do we love that verse.

Go now and leave your life of sin. We like that one a little less.

It's only complicated, to me, by the person of Jesus. Jesus communicated with the perfect balance of grace and truth. That is what we want to emulate. But when it becomes practical, does that mean we need to provide the grace and God the truth, or vise versa, or both, or none? That is, should we provide just grace and not tell them we think it's s sin and simply rely on Jesus to communicate the truth. Or should we just tell them that it's a sin and leave the grace part up to Jesus?

Of course not, at least not that last one, right?

To me, to communicate just truth is an error, so shouldn't communicating just grace also be an error?

Obviously I'm just thinking aloud here, but I'm trying to determine how we ought to approach this topic. The reason I care about this is because I have a friend - we'll call him Jesse - who used to be a very close friend and has recently admitted to his parents that he is gay. So when I speak with him, what should be my balance? Now, obviously I'm going to address him differently than I will someone who considers themselves a Christian and also gay.

This is because I think, as Christians, we should all be willing to renounce our sin. That is, if you told me tomorrow and could support in scripture that eating meat was a sin, I would have to stop eating meat. I don't believe this is the case, but if there were anything that I were doing that is sin, I would do everything I could to stop it and renounce it. Often, those whom I've met that consider themselves 'gay christians' aren't making every effort to determine if their feelings are from God or not. Perhaps they don't care - for some, they've been trained to believe life is about them and if they're feeling something, it must be truth. Perhaps some have tried to research and have become so fed up with the gray-ness of it that they give up entirely and embrace their lifestyle, sometimes leaving Jesus in the wake. And there are others that determine that being gay and being a Christian poses no challenges, scripturally (a whole other blog should be devoted to this!).

Here's the thing: we can't ever be willing to sell out and let anyone 'do what is right in their eyes' and still believe that Jesus is totally cool with them and their sin (this isn't the case, I don't believe).

So after all of that, I still don't know exactly how to handle every situation. I do know, however, that many of us talk too much of this topic when we've not prayed enough through it.

I wonder what Jesus would say to Jesse.

Biblography

"Andy Stanley Confounds the Church about Homosexuality - Stand Up For The Truth." Stand Up For The Truth. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Sept. 2014.

Shed the Stress

This week, I read an article about self-harm and the reasons behind it. The reasons varied and pretty much included most things teenagers will go through. However, one of those reasons stuck out to me and seemed interesting. Anxiety and stress were listed as one of the highest causes, and I began to think about how our culture views stress.

Oddly enough, I think we're proud of our stress.

Think about when someone is asked how they're doing - typically they respond, "Man, I'm just so busy." We wear it like a ribbon. It's become our identity. Interestingly enough, we bring the stress onto ourselves with things that aren't needed. After all, what teenage kid died from not playing soccer or not getting a test grade high enough?

We don't want our teens to be depressed and hurt themselves, but maybe almost as much, we don't want them to fail.

Cue the reason for this blog - we need to teach our youth that failure is not the worst thing they can experience. In fact, I fear we are in for a rough few decades because we've taught youth that they must get things right the first time around and as a result, we don't dwell and learn from our mistakes. We sweep them under the rug and pretend they never happened. Not only so, but we convince our youth by our expectations that busyness is good. Spoiler alert - busyness, as I'm defining it here, is not Godly.

So how do we proceed? We must communicate to our youth that there are many things more important than their homework, their sports activities, their resumés and the college they get accepted to. Some of these things would include their self-worth, their relationship with God, their compassion, and their love for others.

Personally, I think when we put these things first, the other things come. 

What are we teaching our youth about 'success?'

When will we realize the situation we've put them in - how many more have to cut to shed the stress before we change? I'm afraid of the answer.

Bibliography

"Why Do People Self-harm? - TheSite.org." TheSiteorg. N.p., n.d. Web. 16 Sept. 2014.